God has blessed us this year immeasurably. At times, I feel overwhelmed because of His goodness to us. Besides the amazing blessing both you and daddy have been in my life, God has blessed us with a beautiful home, amazing neighbors, and a great church. I feel so undeserving of the beautiful life God that has been merciful enough to give us.
When I was a teenager all the way up until I was about 23, I kept a prayer journal. After becoming married and then a mother and all of the time and responsibilities that come along with that, I stopped using my prayer journal. I really wish I would have kept up with it. Well, today, I decided to start one again and keep track of things that I am reading in the Bible, things that I am thankful for, prayer requests, etc. In search of the journal, I came across a few entries I made in a journal that I was writing to you while I was pregnant with you. Because I was so sick, the entries were very few and far between. I wanted to have a digital record of the letters, so I'm sharing them with you on here.
"I had a dream about a little baby kicking inside me. I woke up and started remembering how I've been exhausted for the past several weeks and how my body feels like it's changing. I'm much more emotional recently and I've been having unusual strong pains in my belly. John worked late today and called me from work. - I asked him to pick up a pregnancy test - I think I'm pregnant. John was leery about it - but I thought it was for the best.
The test is positive. How I feel - Wow! I cannot believe I could have another living soul inside me! I hope this test is not faulty. Nervous - will I be a good mother? A good, Godly example - even more important - will my child ever become saved?
We prayed tonight for your salvation if you're in there."
4/6/04: 120 pounds
"I scheduled an appointment with the doctor to get a blood test. I hate needles - I always pass out! We won't hear the news about whether I'm pregnant or not until tomorrow. :( My stomach has been hurting on and off today - I'm about 3 days later, and I feel a little nauseated. My heart has been beating to hard from anxiety - I want to be pregnant so bad - I want a child to pour my heart into and love.
The doctor called me at home tonight - WE'RE PREGNANT!
Praise the Lord! I know it's early, but it's the Lord's will for us to have this baby! The due date: 12-6-04! I'm 5 weeks pregnant and couldn't be happier! I must have called everyone I've ever known to tell them the news.
John and I are a little scared - we're so young in our marriage - we've only been married for 1 1/2 months! We're still getting used to each other! Hmmm... I wonder things like, will my child think I'm so old because I was born in the 1900s? Yikes! John thinks he's funny - he just said, "so adoption's out of the questions, right?" Ha-ha - he cracks me up. (grrr.)
On a more serious note:
Whoever you are inside me, if you're ever going to read this journal - It's the most amazing feeling to actually feel you growing inside me - I've never met you, and I love you more than anyone. (other than the Lord and John.) I promise you that I will try to be the mother you deserve and need - I can't wait to meet you and hold you in my arms. I'm well aware of the pain I will be facing in about 8 or 9 months when I give birth to you - I would gladly go through birth pains for you - I honestly would give up my life for you if it was the only way to bring you into this world. I love you."
"I can feel you growing - my stomach has a constant light pain in it - it's a great feeling."
"Thankfully I only work until 3:00 today because Good Friday is tomorrow. All my muscles are extremely tender. It's so strange how my body is preparing itself for you - what a miracle!!"
4/18/04: 121.5 lbs.
"I called off work today - I couldn't stand up without fainting. I had to crawl to the bathroom so I could get sick. I would be nice to actually throw-up. Dry heaves don't make me feel better. I laid on the couch all day falling in and out of sleep."
"Too bad we're not wealthy. I can't imagine going to work much longer. I woke up with an awful headache. My stomach felt nauseated so I tried to eat some toast and water. My body didn't like that this morning, so it came right up. After getting sick, I feel a little better. At least I can walk around without fainting. I'm going to attempt to go to work today. I hate getting sick at work - I pray it won't happen today."
That was my last entry. It wasn't until about September or so that I stopped feeling sick all the time like that, which is probably why I stopped writing in the journal altogether. I worked up until the last two weeks of being pregnant with you and took maternity leave. After I had you, there was no way I was going back to work. And that was the beginning of you. I love you.